How Honest Are You With Yourself?
A few days ago, I was struggling with feelings of worthlessness. I felt small and inadequate, as the challenges of my life seemed bigger than I.
Since I have an extensive toolkit of practices from years of self-development work and training, I decided to move through a practice of “soothing self-talk”. I assured the part of myself that felt worthless that she is worthy, that she is precious.
However, this approach wasn’t working for me anymore. The feeling was still nagging me.
My next move was to try to ignore this feeling. I know, not a wise choice.
I, at times, feel scared of not knowing how to handle something and not being in control feels uncomfortable.
This approach didn’t last for longer that 10 minutes.
I searched for support.
My iPhone was handy and I typed into InsightTimer (a meditation app I use): “Worthlessness”.
Nothing.
I typed “worthless”.
I found meditations on self-worth and a few on self-acceptance.
I knew that I wasn’t interested in pumping myself up into greater feeling of self-worth. I wanted to touch the feeling of worthlessness and hold it with love.
I chose to listen to a guided meditation on self-acceptance, thinking that it wasn’t really going to help me but I was willing to give it a try.
When Tomek, the instructor, with his alluring voice guided us to ask ourselves this simple question:
“Do you accept yourself?”
My automatic response was:
“Of course I do!”
At the same time another part of me said:
“No”
I ignored the “No”. I’ve been on a self-development path for over a decade. I’ve heard of self-acceptance. I’ve been practicing it. I get this!
I insisted:
“I accept myself.”
I paused.
“Well…may be I don’t” I sheepishly admitted to myself and observed with trepidation what would happen next.
I relaxed and a deeper exhale moved out of my body.
‘Ok…I don’t” I admitted the truth more fully to myself and the part of myself that was sending me a persistent message.
I was descending into deeper waters.
In this moment, I felt a shift and a sweet reminder dropped in:
It’s far far more important to be honest with yourself, rather than listen to your mind or your ego that wants to focus on “accomplishment”, a “goal” or that wants to be “done”.
I am a human and spiritual being. My organic interior life will never ever conform to the demands of my mind but will seek deeper acknowledgement, deeper listening, and deeper holding. It will relentlessly try to get my attention, so it can be MET…directly.
My energy and my body don’t lie. My mind and my ego, on the other hand, can be deceptive.
Since that experience, I’ve been holding the rejected and worthless part of myself in my caring and my love. I am reminding my younger self that she doesn’t have to “get” love from her mom anymore, like she used in the past. She doesn’t need to do anything to earn love.
She doesn’t have to be a “good girl” to be loved.
She doesn’t have to be a “straight ‘A’ student” to be loved.
She doesn’t have to be “quiet and obedient” to be loved.
I’ve been feeling more peaceful inside as a consequence of this healing experience. I am not leaning in too much, worrying if the person I am speaking to accepts me or not. I am now residing more fully in my own acceptance and love, feeling more peaceful, more at home with myself.
Now, I invite you to try this on:
- What would it feel like to know that nothing you do or don’t do, say or don’t say, accomplish or not accomplish, will ever ever take love away from you?
- What would it feel like to be treated with kindness, love and acceptance consistently?
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